How to help a friend

Some guidelines
More information

If you are worried about someone’s eating, health, or any other issue, there may be a good basis for your concern. It is a good instinct to try to help another person, and it’s very important not to wait too long. However, it’s also best to prepare yourself first.    

The most helpful approach is a caring interaction. If your friend is not in treatment, the aim is to refer your friend to an experienced therapist, nutritionist, or medical provider. Eating problems do not usually go away on their own, and the earlier the treatment, the more likely that the risk of medical complications may be reduced. 

If your friend is already in treatment, you can encourage him or her to continue, and ask if there’s anything you can do, within reason, to help.

A caring interaction needs to be carefully planned, so please obtain more information by reviewing information below and elsewhere on this website and/or scheduling an appointment with a member of the CHEP team to discuss your concerns.

Some guidelines

The ideas below were gathered from several sources, including the National Eating Disorders Association. Check below under “more information” to obtain additional detailed suggestions.

Tell someone. Find someone who can help you strategize, such as a CHEP team member, a therapist, an RA, EARS counselor, or other knowledgeable person. Don’t wait until the problem gets worse and becomes harder to address. 

Get help immediately. If the person is fainting, depressed, suicidal, or otherwise in serious danger, talk with someone immediately who can get help.

Be caring, but firm. Do not avoid or ignore a problem—your friend may really need your support. However, you cannot provide therapy. People struggling with eating problems need professional help.

Plan an interaction. Think about who is the best person to do the talking, when and where to meet, and what you will say. As much as possible, keep your interaction confidential.  

Be calm and show support. Do not be accusatory or label the other person. If your friend becomes upset, it is okay to back down, but don’t drop the issue forever—leave an open door for returning to the topic later.

Be a good listener. One of the best ways to help someone is to reach out as a friend instead of focusing on his/her eating behavior.

Don’t monitor. It is not usually helpful to be a “watchdog” or otherwise try to influence another person's eating pattern. Don’t nag the your friend about his/her behavior, and don’t get into arguments about food and weight. 

Set a good example. Be a good role model yourself in regard to sensible eating, exercise, and self-acceptance. Note that “fat-talk”—comments about food, body (yours or anyone else’s), exercise, and weight—can build a competitive, stressful or negative atmosphere around these issues.

Set good limits. Boundaries about what is acceptable behavior are important in an individual or group setting. Get some support for yourself if a situation becomes too difficult.

Realize your limitations. Recognize that you cannot force others to seek help or change their habits. You can honestly share your concerns, provide support, and obtain as much information as possible.

More information

CHEP has a packet of information you can pick up at Gannett with specific ideas on how to dialog with a friend. It includes:

• A more detailed handout for concerned friends entitled “How to Help Someone Who May Have an Eating Disorder"
• “Witty Responses to Weighty Remarks," which provides starting points for countering “fat-talk.”

There is no charge at Gannett for an appointment with a nutritionist, nurse, or therapist to discuss another Cornell student whom you may be worried about.

An excellent resource is the book Surviving and Eating Disorder: Strategies for Families and Friends, by Siegel, Brisman and Weinshel. It is available at bookstores and at the Gannett pharmacy.

More information on how to help a friend can be obtained from the National Eating Disorders Association website.This organization also has a referral network to help locate treatment providers in other areas.