Relationship Problems

There's no way around it: even in our best relationships, working with and relating to another person can be hard work at times. As a college student, you are probably managing relationships with your family, friends, teammates, professors, and sometimes romantic partners too. While each of these relationships can help you to learn and grow, each also has its own power dynamics and demands (e.g., for time, energy, space, etc.). Because every relationship requires some investment of energy on your behalf, they can also influence the way you feel at any given time. No wonder you're tired!

Here are some things to keep in mind when you're feeling stressed by (or even overwhelmed by) a relationship problem:

1. People are in relationships with one another for all kinds of reasons. These include default (your family members, classmates); necessity (your professor or roommate); personal choice (friends, significant others); or happenstance (the loud guy in the seat adjacent yours in the stadium). While most times it's our closest relationships that cause us the most stress, even the most casual relationships with others can affect the way we feel about a situation, or ourselves. Additionally, learning to sustain healthy relationships and choosing to end (or not enter) unhealthy ones, are skills that can take a lifetime of practice.
   
2. There are two sides in every relationship. This means that, by default, each relationship has an inherent power dynamic and an opportunity for multiple perspectives. Relationship problems often arise when power dynamics are unbalanced or when people view the same situation very differently. When things are going poorly, remember: the other person has his or her own story about what is happening, and that story makes sense to him or her too. Resolving a relationship problem frequently requires each person coming to understand the other's perspective and, whenever possible, doing what it takes to bring the relationship back into a respectful balance. It can be difficult to address a relationship problem, especially if there are inherently biased power dynamics at play (e.g., you feel slighted by one of your professors), but this does not mean that you are powerless in the situation.
   
3. No one relationship can give you everything that you need. Likewise, you cannot be the sole support for someone else. Each person is complex and therefore, it takes some careful balance to manage multiple relationships in a healthy manner.
   
4. Get clear about what you believe the problem to be. Think about it. Write about it. Talk about it with the person with whom you're having trouble OR with a friend who will keep your confidence. Sometimes we're not sure why we're upset, but we know something's wrong. Work with that instinct until you know what the issue is. Does it feel like a familiar situation to one you've had in the past? If so, what does that tell you?
   
5. "I statements" are one key to successful communication. Don't blame the other person. Help him or her to understand what you feel and what you would like to have happen. This doesn't guarantee that he or she will understand, or that you'll get what you want; however, the other person will be much more likely to hear you if you speak respectfully, and from your own truth.
   
6. Unstated expectations can be problematic. People in relationship (friends, lovers, roommates) often have different ideas about what the nature of the relationship is, or different expectations about what it takes to keep it healthy. For instance, you may have your own ideas about how much time together (or shared space) is desirable; who else (if anyone) is part of that relationship, or what the "red alerts" are when things are going wrong. But do you know what your (friend, lover, roommate) believes? If not, find out. If people have different expectations about what the relationship means or requires, then jealousy or frustration can result. Hard as it might be at times, it's important to talk it out. If you feel strongly about something, draw a boundary. (e.g. "Mom, I will call you once a week, but not every day.") It's usually better to know where the differences (of opinion or in need) are than to operate on false assumptions.
   
7. Asking for help is okay, and sometimes necessary. If a relationship is valuable to both parties and you are having difficulty finding a solution, ask for help. Depending on the nature of the relationship, you may want to talk it out with an RA, Academic Advisor, spiritual support person, TA, peer counselor at EARS, family member, or with a professional counselor at CAPS. If the other party (friend, partner, etc.) doesn't want to come with you, then get help for yourself. Learning to work through relationship problems is a skill that you will need throughout your life, so there's no time like the present to start practicing!

For support and/or information, consider these links:  

        Gannett Clinical Counselors

        LGBT Resource Center

        Cornell Sexual Harassment Policy

        Information on Intrusive Contact/Stalking

        Ombudsman Office