Risk Reduction: Abstinence

There is no question that abstinence is the best known way to protect you from disease and unplanned pregnancy. But this may only be true if we are in agreement as to what "abstinence" is.

Some people define abstinence as refraining from one particular behavior (e.g., vaginal intercourse). Others believe that any genital contact is forbidden.

The effectiveness of abstinence in protecting your health depends on how you define and practice abstinence. For example, if your definition of abstinence is refraining from intercourse (vaginal or anal), engaging in oral sex or genital touching will still put you at risk for sexually transmitted infections (STIs). If your intention is to abstain from oral sex (and therefore have no need of a latex barrier), but your behavior doesn't follow your intention, you will be at risk.

The bottom line is that it is up to you to define abstinence for yourself. It is a highly personal decision. What is more often more challenging, is maintaining it.

You’ve probably heard many conflicting messages about sexual activity and abstinence.

• “Wait until marriage”
• “You may have those feelings but you’re too young for sex”
• “Abstinence is the only way to prevent disease”
• “Just say no”
• “It is forbidden”
• “Sex is ok for boys, but not for girls”
• “You need to focus on your schoolwork right now and not mess around”

Students refrain from sexual activity for lots of reasons: Some, because of their ethical, moral or religious beliefs. Others do it to prevent disease or pregnancy. When thinking through your views on abstinence, risk reduction and sexual activity, it is important to consider your physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual and moral well-being.

Abstinence doesn't have to be an "all or nothing" decision. Many individuals are comfortable defining abstinence to include kissing and hugging, even some other forms of intimacy such as fondling. What you decide to do with a partner will depend on why you wanted to be abstinent in the first place.

A new relationship may make you feel pressured to engage in behaviors you are not ready for. Abstinence can be hard to maintain because the peer pressure to be sexually active feels overwhelming. But sexual activity is not the only thing that creates a meaningful relationship.

Some people have chosen to be sexual in the past, but then decide that, in a new relationship, they want to be abstinent. This may be hard for friends to understand. Many believe “once sexual, always sexual." 

If abstinence is something you are considering or committed to, use the following questions as a guide to determine your ability to stick to your plan:

• Why is abstinence important to me at this time in my life?
• What are the benefits to practicing abstinence?
• Can I talk to my friends/partner about my decision?
• Are there people in my life who will support my decision and help me maintain it?
• What don't I like about being abstinent?
• Are there other things I can do to explore my sexuality?

If you are in a relationship, it is important to talk out your decision with your partner. It will work better if you both decide on abstinence (and on their definition of abstinence) together, eliminating any feelings of resentment or pressure. Some couples agree that abstinence brings them closer because it eliminates pressure from one aspect of the relationship (i.e. sexual activity becomes one less thing to be negotiated). Healthy relationships are built on compromise and negotiation.

If you find that your decision does not receive the kind of respect it deserves, talk it out with trusted, supportive friends. Gannett’s Clinical Counselors can also work with students to determine the best ways for them to maintain abstinence. A visit with them is free and confidential.